What Are You Thankful For?

Admit it. You are dreading that part of Thanksgiving dinner when your half-drunk Aunt will insist that you wait for your dry turkey to get dry and cold whilst we go around the table and all say what we are thankful for. You'll spend a few panicked seconds racking your brain for something appropriate to say rather than admit to being thankful for the transparent blouse that your third cousin is wearing. You and everyone else at the table will spin a variation on the following:

What a great family (that you see only on Thanksgiving) we have. God (or Fortune) has blessed us with good jobs, good health, and freedom in this great land of ours.

We are, however, never more thankful than when we are faced with someone else's misfortune. So, this year, how 'bout giving your family the gift of real appreciation by dropping one of these on the table right before cutting a slice of cranberry sauce.

1) I am thankful that I don't have that lethal cold that is going around. In case you have been asleep for a few weeks, we are talking about a mutated version of the AD14 adenovirus. To call this a "cold" is like calling Small Pox an "itch." Don't forget the Vitamin C and the hand sanitizer. If you have a baby, better go buy one of those frilly grocery cart germ-o-shields that will certainly improve your chances of surviving into 2008.

2) I am thankful for not being in prison for a crime I didn't commit. I guess being in prison for a crime you actually did commit would pretty much be the same, but my generally law-abiding lifestyle leaves me more paranoid of the former. The 24-hour self protection from advances both violent and amorous would have to leave one pretty much ruined. If you think our justice system doesn't put the innocent with the criminally insane, take a moment to Google "dna exonerated" or just skip straight to www.innocenceproject.org. DNA evidence is needed to undo the following: Eyewitness misidentification, unreliable science, false confessions, forensic science misconduct, government misconduct, bad lawyering. Tell a friend.

3) I am thankful I live now, and not ...before now. The toughest SuperMax in Texas is a hotel compared to American prisons of 100 years ago. Look outside of the United States, and the evidence of creative torture and atrocity are standard, state-sanctioned, and incomprehensible. When it comes to how we treat our criminals, apostates, heathens and prisoners of war, each century views the prior as barbaric, misguided, cruel, and unusual. In another hundred years, how will we view our current practices and those we tolerate?

While these topics may seem a bit glum, imagine the fun you'll have watching the face of the person downstream of you on the Thankful table. Their 60-day sobriety chip won't seem quite so important after the table benefits from the perspective you'll bring to this joyous occasion. And for the thoughts you'll provoke, it will be you for which your family is thankful.