What Are You Thankful For?

Admit it. You are dreading that part of Thanksgiving dinner when your half-drunk Aunt will insist that you wait for your dry turkey to get dry and cold whilst we go around the table and all say what we are thankful for. You'll spend a few panicked seconds racking your brain for something appropriate to say rather than admit to being thankful for the transparent blouse that your third cousin is wearing. You and everyone else at the table will spin a variation on the following:

What a great family (that you see only on Thanksgiving) we have. God (or Fortune) has blessed us with good jobs, good health, and freedom in this great land of ours.

We are, however, never more thankful than when we are faced with someone else's misfortune. So, this year, how 'bout giving your family the gift of real appreciation by dropping one of these on the table right before cutting a slice of cranberry sauce.

1) I am thankful that I don't have that lethal cold that is going around. In case you have been asleep for a few weeks, we are talking about a mutated version of the AD14 adenovirus. To call this a "cold" is like calling Small Pox an "itch." Don't forget the Vitamin C and the hand sanitizer. If you have a baby, better go buy one of those frilly grocery cart germ-o-shields that will certainly improve your chances of surviving into 2008.

2) I am thankful for not being in prison for a crime I didn't commit. I guess being in prison for a crime you actually did commit would pretty much be the same, but my generally law-abiding lifestyle leaves me more paranoid of the former. The 24-hour self protection from advances both violent and amorous would have to leave one pretty much ruined. If you think our justice system doesn't put the innocent with the criminally insane, take a moment to Google "dna exonerated" or just skip straight to www.innocenceproject.org. DNA evidence is needed to undo the following: Eyewitness misidentification, unreliable science, false confessions, forensic science misconduct, government misconduct, bad lawyering. Tell a friend.

3) I am thankful I live now, and not ...before now. The toughest SuperMax in Texas is a hotel compared to American prisons of 100 years ago. Look outside of the United States, and the evidence of creative torture and atrocity are standard, state-sanctioned, and incomprehensible. When it comes to how we treat our criminals, apostates, heathens and prisoners of war, each century views the prior as barbaric, misguided, cruel, and unusual. In another hundred years, how will we view our current practices and those we tolerate?

While these topics may seem a bit glum, imagine the fun you'll have watching the face of the person downstream of you on the Thankful table. Their 60-day sobriety chip won't seem quite so important after the table benefits from the perspective you'll bring to this joyous occasion. And for the thoughts you'll provoke, it will be you for which your family is thankful.

Sticking it to The Man's Rainbows

The biggest ethical and moral dilemma many of us will face in the coming weeks is how much to pay for the new Radiohead album.

Lots of news lately - here is the summary:

Radiohead is eschewing a label/distributor and taking their music directly to the people. You'll be able to download the upcoming In Rainbows from their website and set your own price (including £0.01)



What is your excuse for stealing music for the past many years? I'll share mine to get you started:

-Music is not sold how, when and where I want to buy it.
-Most music sucks today/I'll only listen once or twice.
-I'm not going to pay [too much] for a cd where I only like one song.


There are more, but that is the gist of it. The recent move by 'Head will force me to face my conscience and test this rationale.

Ooh, I almost forgot the best reason for stealing music: Sticking it to The Man.

We love sticking it to The Man. Usually, keeping my money in my pocket, and their cake in my cakehole is the best indicator that I've done some sticking.

The beautiful irony you now face is this : The MORE you pay Radiohead for their new record, the MORE you stick it to The Man. How much money will The Man lose? You get to decide.

If you are a Radiohead fan, you really have no choice. but to pony up. You know the record is not going to suck. In fact, all signs point to more creative greatness.

The point is, Radiohead is not catchy single ringtone pap. This is Album Rock, man. You'll need the whole thing...and you get to download it from a reliable file server whenever you like.

That pretty much dismantles all of the excuses I espouse at cocktail parties.

The only ones left are:

-I'm cheap
-Why buy when I can steal?
-Who cares if the music business dies?

You and I can grapple with those in the privacy of our own offices when filling out the following form.



So what did I pay?

I'll tell you if you tell me.