Hair. The Strands That Hang

Hair is dead.
It takes the form of many colors. Some colors are acceptable for use in every day life, while others are not.

Red hair (as it is so called when it is really a ruddy-brown or rust color) is "rare" (like an undercooked steak) and is lovely when it grows on the right person. lt is accompanied usually by fair skin and the occasional freckle.

If one's hair is truly red, as in the fire engine or a Washington apple, it is considered to be anti establishment or "phat." People with real jobs don't have truly red hair.

Fashions change and the brightness of all objects change as well. One year, cars are pastel. The next year they are all the colors of the rainbow with emphasis on the B.l.V part of our friend Roy G. Why,then, would it never, never be acceptable to have green hair. We have green shirts, green ingemail polish, green sheets, even green eyes. But for the dead strands of protein on the top of our hair to be green....that would not be right.

I would like to give the green light to this color hair.

The portions and proportions in which our hair should be distributed is very critical. A little here, some more there, but not too much bulging out o fthe sides of the bathing suit. How gross!

Mr.T could get away with none on the sides and just a strip on the top, but if you have strips on the sides and none on the top, they call you "God Damned Bald." Mr. T is "bad" He keeps all of his gold on his person.

Who is to say which is the way to go. Hairy legs, arms, underarms, upper lip, lower lip. Were we not better off when we were all covered with hair from head to toe and there was one less thing that distinguished us from one another?

Dogs don't care if you are a long or a short haired Labrador, as long
as your butt smells good. God forbid we have hair on our butt. That
is just not the way to go. Some dogs eat feces.

I say that Natalie Portman, Britney Spears, and Sinead O‘Connor had it
right when they freed themselves from the shackles of the world of
hair and allowed themselves to be judged by just one fewer meaningless
criteria.

Sinead did not approve of the Pope (who was also bald).

What would the fashion world talk about if there were no split ends, chemically treated hair, new growth, bounceless hair or the dreaded 'bad hair." Are Americans obsessed with hair? "Yes" is one possible answer.

Men often lose their hair. This is never good. If a man jokingly says
something like, "I'll be lucky if I have all my hair in five years,"
he is really saying, 'I am aware that I am losing my hair. I know that
society sees this as a tragedy, but l want you to think that I am O.K.
with it so let's not make it an issue. See, I can mention it.”

There are some drugs that help men‘s heads grow hair, but they might make your penis not work anymore.

I say that the Afro is just as acceptable a hairstyle choice today as it was (or wasn't) back in the 70's. White people can only grow afro-style hair near their bottoms.

How is your hair?

OMG, It's the Mormons!

Forget for a moment your feelings on the relative validity of their sect vs. your own. Let's examine their social behaviors. From what I can tell, they shun indulgences of all kinds. If you lunch with a Mormon, of course there will be no martini. But there will also be no lemonade, no iced tea and no sparkling water. Maybe they are horking down the Arnold Palmers when nobody is watching, but from what I can tell, tepid tap water served in a wooden bowl would be the ideal.

Segue to reality TV. If this season of American Idol has taught me anything, it is that Mormons don't take the Lord's name in vain. Well, at least not while on television. The post-performance interviews with Brooke White and David Archuletta were Cherry Coke sweet and chock full of Gosh, Wow, and Golly.

Just try to look at this picture and not say "Oh My Gosh" in your head. I can almost hear his overbearing father scolding him now: "I sure hope you meant what I think you meant when you texted 'OMG' to that David Cook."

The now-excommunicated Chad Hardy made a few dollars with his "Mormon Beefcakes" calendar. What do they have on under those starched white shirts and black name tags? Oiled Man Meat, apparently.

I think the combination of shirtless Mormons and American Idol got me thinking. What do good God-fearing Mormons say to each other during sex?

"Oh, God!" and all it's variations are the mainstay of bedroom talk. When you hear "Jesus Christ" you know you are really doing something right. I never even thought about those phrases in terms of their blasphemy. I was simply taught (perhaps by porn) that this is what you say to provide encouraging feedback to your partner.

What are the alternatives? Silence? I guess you could slam away and remain mute, but that would be difficult for me. While I've always been kind of afraid of screamers, I think most people would be put off by total, reverent silence. Without any dirty talk or God reference in bed, what can one substitute?

Here is the best I could come up with:

Man to Woman:

"Oh, my, that sure is pleasurable."
"Goodness, it feels as if you are so ready to accept me."
"My word! You like joining me in this manner, don't you?"

Woman to Man:
"Wow, you appear to be so ample this evening."
"Oh…My….Gosh…Don't you ever stop having relations with me!"
"It has been a heck of a long time since you have shown such vigor."

The Finale: "Oh, Gosh. Oh, Gosh. Oh, Gosh. Right there. Oh My, OH MY, GOOLLLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!"

Could someone please find a Mormon and inquire.