OMG, It's the Mormons!

Forget for a moment your feelings on the relative validity of their sect vs. your own. Let's examine their social behaviors. From what I can tell, they shun indulgences of all kinds. If you lunch with a Mormon, of course there will be no martini. But there will also be no lemonade, no iced tea and no sparkling water. Maybe they are horking down the Arnold Palmers when nobody is watching, but from what I can tell, tepid tap water served in a wooden bowl would be the ideal.

Segue to reality TV. If this season of American Idol has taught me anything, it is that Mormons don't take the Lord's name in vain. Well, at least not while on television. The post-performance interviews with Brooke White and David Archuletta were Cherry Coke sweet and chock full of Gosh, Wow, and Golly.

Just try to look at this picture and not say "Oh My Gosh" in your head. I can almost hear his overbearing father scolding him now: "I sure hope you meant what I think you meant when you texted 'OMG' to that David Cook."

The now-excommunicated Chad Hardy made a few dollars with his "Mormon Beefcakes" calendar. What do they have on under those starched white shirts and black name tags? Oiled Man Meat, apparently.

I think the combination of shirtless Mormons and American Idol got me thinking. What do good God-fearing Mormons say to each other during sex?

"Oh, God!" and all it's variations are the mainstay of bedroom talk. When you hear "Jesus Christ" you know you are really doing something right. I never even thought about those phrases in terms of their blasphemy. I was simply taught (perhaps by porn) that this is what you say to provide encouraging feedback to your partner.

What are the alternatives? Silence? I guess you could slam away and remain mute, but that would be difficult for me. While I've always been kind of afraid of screamers, I think most people would be put off by total, reverent silence. Without any dirty talk or God reference in bed, what can one substitute?

Here is the best I could come up with:

Man to Woman:

"Oh, my, that sure is pleasurable."
"Goodness, it feels as if you are so ready to accept me."
"My word! You like joining me in this manner, don't you?"

Woman to Man:
"Wow, you appear to be so ample this evening."
"Oh…My….Gosh…Don't you ever stop having relations with me!"
"It has been a heck of a long time since you have shown such vigor."

The Finale: "Oh, Gosh. Oh, Gosh. Oh, Gosh. Right there. Oh My, OH MY, GOOLLLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!"

Could someone please find a Mormon and inquire.