What Are You Thankful For?

Admit it. You are dreading that part of Thanksgiving dinner when your half-drunk Aunt will insist that you wait for your dry turkey to get dry and cold whilst we go around the table and all say what we are thankful for. You'll spend a few panicked seconds racking your brain for something appropriate to say rather than admit to being thankful for the transparent blouse that your third cousin is wearing. You and everyone else at the table will spin a variation on the following:

What a great family (that you see only on Thanksgiving) we have. God (or Fortune) has blessed us with good jobs, good health, and freedom in this great land of ours.

We are, however, never more thankful than when we are faced with someone else's misfortune. So, this year, how 'bout giving your family the gift of real appreciation by dropping one of these on the table right before cutting a slice of cranberry sauce.

1) I am thankful that I don't have that lethal cold that is going around. In case you have been asleep for a few weeks, we are talking about a mutated version of the AD14 adenovirus. To call this a "cold" is like calling Small Pox an "itch." Don't forget the Vitamin C and the hand sanitizer. If you have a baby, better go buy one of those frilly grocery cart germ-o-shields that will certainly improve your chances of surviving into 2008.

2) I am thankful for not being in prison for a crime I didn't commit. I guess being in prison for a crime you actually did commit would pretty much be the same, but my generally law-abiding lifestyle leaves me more paranoid of the former. The 24-hour self protection from advances both violent and amorous would have to leave one pretty much ruined. If you think our justice system doesn't put the innocent with the criminally insane, take a moment to Google "dna exonerated" or just skip straight to www.innocenceproject.org. DNA evidence is needed to undo the following: Eyewitness misidentification, unreliable science, false confessions, forensic science misconduct, government misconduct, bad lawyering. Tell a friend.

3) I am thankful I live now, and not ...before now. The toughest SuperMax in Texas is a hotel compared to American prisons of 100 years ago. Look outside of the United States, and the evidence of creative torture and atrocity are standard, state-sanctioned, and incomprehensible. When it comes to how we treat our criminals, apostates, heathens and prisoners of war, each century views the prior as barbaric, misguided, cruel, and unusual. In another hundred years, how will we view our current practices and those we tolerate?

While these topics may seem a bit glum, imagine the fun you'll have watching the face of the person downstream of you on the Thankful table. Their 60-day sobriety chip won't seem quite so important after the table benefits from the perspective you'll bring to this joyous occasion. And for the thoughts you'll provoke, it will be you for which your family is thankful.

Sticking it to The Man's Rainbows

The biggest ethical and moral dilemma many of us will face in the coming weeks is how much to pay for the new Radiohead album.

Lots of news lately - here is the summary:

Radiohead is eschewing a label/distributor and taking their music directly to the people. You'll be able to download the upcoming In Rainbows from their website and set your own price (including £0.01)



What is your excuse for stealing music for the past many years? I'll share mine to get you started:

-Music is not sold how, when and where I want to buy it.
-Most music sucks today/I'll only listen once or twice.
-I'm not going to pay [too much] for a cd where I only like one song.


There are more, but that is the gist of it. The recent move by 'Head will force me to face my conscience and test this rationale.

Ooh, I almost forgot the best reason for stealing music: Sticking it to The Man.

We love sticking it to The Man. Usually, keeping my money in my pocket, and their cake in my cakehole is the best indicator that I've done some sticking.

The beautiful irony you now face is this : The MORE you pay Radiohead for their new record, the MORE you stick it to The Man. How much money will The Man lose? You get to decide.

If you are a Radiohead fan, you really have no choice. but to pony up. You know the record is not going to suck. In fact, all signs point to more creative greatness.

The point is, Radiohead is not catchy single ringtone pap. This is Album Rock, man. You'll need the whole thing...and you get to download it from a reliable file server whenever you like.

That pretty much dismantles all of the excuses I espouse at cocktail parties.

The only ones left are:

-I'm cheap
-Why buy when I can steal?
-Who cares if the music business dies?

You and I can grapple with those in the privacy of our own offices when filling out the following form.



So what did I pay?

I'll tell you if you tell me.

Bringing Back the Ski Vest

There are so many great 80's movies that prominently featured the faux down ski vest as the must-have casual comfort accessory. Michael J Fox and John Cusack played important roles in this important fashion trend.

Medium Rare

An old college buddy of mine lost 51 pounds in the past 6 months by going "raw."

You may not be hip to raw if you don't have at least two of the below sites bookmarked.

www.rawguru.com
www.treehugger.com
www.biodiesel.com
www.vegan.com

According to www.veggieboards.com, Sting, Seal, Pierce Brosnan, Daryl Hannah, Christina Ricci, Gwyneth Paltrow, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson are all "totally raw." For the militant vegan looking for a menu that is even more restrictive, "Raw" fits the bill nicely.

(Note: it is implied that your raw intake does not include raw flesh-stuff like raw oysters, raw fish, raw herbivore, raw cat or even raw Budweiser.)

Aside from the love and respect of your produce grocer, those who adhere can expect to make bulky, verdant and frequent deposits to the nearest septic system. But what are the other benefits? It sounded a bit limiting.

"So, what do you eat, dude?"

"I only eat raw fruit, vegetables, nuts and seeds."

Upon cross examination, he admitted to the occasional departure into the beer/pizza/flesh realm, and figured he was actually about "90% Raw."

"90% RAW?" Now I am confused. Is that 90% based on food weight, or food bulk? If you have a whole meal of charred venison, does that count as one infraction? Could you just write off a whole day and use the days per month calculation?

"How raw am I?" I wondered. And how would my employer react if I told him I was 94% Drug-Free?

or

"Honey, I have been nearly 100% faithful."

or

Hebrew National Franks, Now 97% Kosher.

In California, a blood alcohol content of .08 will land you a DUI while you are still 99.92% sober.

With more eloquence and energy, I'd go on about how our labels confuse and perhaps injure by implying more complete orthodoxy than is really there.

Politicians are great at it: "I'm a pro-choice, anti-gay marriage, anti-Iraq War, health care advocate who who puts children first."

Maybe one day, we'll have a president who runs on the "Vegan, No Gun, Flat-tax, Atheism" ticket, but until then, we can be assured that Larry Craig is "100% Not Gay."

Wear are you.

I like it when clothing items and accessories take on new names based on the people who are most seen wearing them.

Examples :

The Painter's Cap
The Aviator Sunglasses
Clamdigger Pants
...and, my favorite, the Trucker Hat.

I am pretty sure these items were not originally marketed to the very people who would make them famous. They become mocked, then trendy, then ridiculed, then worn in retro irony by guys trying to punk each other....later seen everywhere. I don't know many aviators, but, circa 1986, these things were a-plenty.

Let's not forget the bane of philandering married men everywhere, the Stripper Perfume. If you close your eyes, and turn "Pour Some Sugar On Me" up real loud on the stereo, you can relive the stench using only mind-power. Just as the "dancer" enters your 10ft circle of personal space, it smells like she has just been dipped in a mixture of turpentine, glade plug-ins, and that pink powdered soap you used in shop class. It does NOT wash off easily, I am told.
My all time favorite in this category is the "Wife Beater T-shirt." 70 years ago, these were just called T-Shirts, and everyone slapped around the missus a bit. As spousal abuse fell out of fashion, it seemed that the spending your evening around the 'hood in only your WBT told the whole street that you were still likely to lay a smack down from time to time. Some embrace the look. Personally, I don't think the term is all that funny. And you know who else does not think it is funny? Beaten wives. You know they are thinking "Oh Shit, he's got that shirt on again."

Plastination is very cool....

When the average schmuck dies, his body is placed atop a pyre and engulfed in flames, or, worse yet, embalmed and placed in a box below (or sometimes above) ground where you transform slowly; fingernails and hair growing while you turn into a mummy or swamp creature or something - Neither of which are inviting me to my demise. But then came plastination!

Take my nice little cells, all filled with their water and such, and replace that with plastic in a tidy four-step process....FOREVER. Now you can touch "me," keep "me" around, show "me" to your neighbors. This is alright. Almost like a real eternal life. And it looks like they are looking for volunteers.

In the future, everyone will be plastinized so don't not be left behind.

For those interested, there are major traveling expos coming to your area soon.

You're getting sleepy.

Rosh Hashanah

Hey, for all you busy, career-minded Jews out there, don't forget today is Rosh Hashanah...the New Year: 5768. And don't forget to mark your calendars with Yom Kippur and Sukkot right on RH's heels. Shalom

G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu Grip

Now here is a quality toy. For boys of course. Violent. Crushing in fact. There is not enough crushing going on today, except by Borat in his dating life, but retro and nostalgia can not be stopped. At mykungfugrip.com, you or your young children can select items that you want Joe to crush. It is kinda fun. My favorite is the whole rotisserie chicken. I like the attention to detail as he does a little basting before his crushing. Plus it looks delicious. The video of the original commercial is here.

Hot Nuts

These things really are fantastic. My buddy Jeff Chaveline hooked me up with them recently. He gets them in bulk. The white powder that coats them is where all the wasabi goodness is. If you drop a bunch of them from a few inches above the table, the white wasabi powder will fall off and make it look like you have been partying with Robert Downey Jr. I personally have not done any lines of this stuff, but try it. You may need some time afterwards with the Neti Pot. Enjoy responsibly.

Let The Bodies Hit The Floor

Make sure you check the Temperatures and Humidities

The Iraq...and such as

Phishy

Take in some vintage Phish - December 6th, 1997